What was wrong with me when I was younger?

Testosterone is a hell of a drug.

Looking back over this thing, I don't understand why I acted like I did. I don't regret it, but if I had a chance to meet the guy that wrote that stuff... I don't know what I would have done. Well, let's be honest, I wouldn't want to meet that guy, he sounds like a maniac.

BACK!!!!

So after three years of trying to get back into this blog, it finally lets me in, thank god. My my, how things can change in three years. In that time, I've lived in Virginia, Tennessee and Indiana; I've broken off contact (or rather had it broken) with matt and crew, Jon and I still keep in touch through all the moves we've done; my grandpa, grandma, my dog and my favorite comedian all passed, I quit driving to go back to school, and I feel the effects of getting older. I don't feel old, but there are definitely little differences. I don't recover as fast from working out, my reflexes are shit with video games. I remember playing nintendo games when I was eight and doing things that I couldn't dream of pulling off now! Also, I'm not funny anymore. For example, the stuff I used to write in this blog, the crazy off the wall stuff; I can't come up with anymore. I used to be able to write and be funny right off the top of my head, now I just can't do it. Well, I can, but I have to sit there and think about it. It was all just stream of consciousness. 28 years old. I've acquired a love of pit bulls, they are AWESOME dogs.

What could I talk about? Maybe how Amber and I stole a bunch of stuff from the place I used to work before we fled to Tennessee? How about some crazy trucker road stories? How about when my old dog attacked a guy for slapping Amber? How about when we found out Amber's friend-til-the-end in Tennessee completely fabricated her relationship with Amber, all over a man she wanted? (You ladies are psychotic on a level I will never understand.) I could talk about how I called Amber and told her someone shot me at work on April fools day. Maybe later, the old man is tired.

What happened?

Sometimes I wonder what happened to everything. It's just that so much shit has happened in my life, good shit, bad shit, crazy shit, smelly shit, all that shit. Like, I've got this whole head full of memories and nowhere to put them, it's overwhelming. I find myself retreating into them more and more, just to remember. I don't have anyone to reminesce with, which kind of sucks. I think I wanna go back to Staunton. I can't picture raising kids anywhere else. You know, I've been EVERYWHERE. All over this country. There's something unique about Staunton that the people that live there don't really realize. First, it's beautiful. It's just nice to look at. I never would have thought that the placed looked beautiful if it was all I knew and I had never been anywhere else. Most of the rest of the country is very drab compared to Staunton. Another thing is, you don't really need a car. It's nice to have, but if your car breaks down, you can walk anywhere. If you live close to the downtown area, you're only 20 minutes from a grocery store and 30 minutes from the mall.

Check out this bullshit!

I got a job as a secret shopper! What I do is go around to different shops in the area that need to be evaluated by an outsider (not a manager, etc.) and I secretly tell the companies how their shops are doing! I get 20 bucks a shop and I get reimbursed for whatever I buy! SWEET! I get my jobs through the e-mail here. SHIIIIIIIIITTTT!!!!!!! Hahahahaha!

P.S. THE LAST TIME I GAVE A SHIT, I GOT FUCKED!

I'M BACK LIKE A HEART ATTACK!

WOOOOO! It's 5 in the morning on May 25, 2006 and I am FINALLY back on the internet! YES LORD! ALL THE FREE MUSIC AND PORN I CAN TAKE!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! It's great tot have the internet in your home where you can just walk up to it and look up something from the comfort of you living room, instead of going into a public place and using their internet, shit on that! I gotta look up some CRAZY SHIT, I can't have a librarian looking over my shoulder, gettin' in my bidness! I'M TRYING TO LOOK UP GERMAN FETISH PORN HO, I NEED TO SEE BITCHES GETTING SHIT ON; GET OFF MY BAAAAAAAAAALLZAK!

Hi! How are things?

So... it's been a while. Sorry about that. Things are okay. I live in Tennessee now with Amber and her dog Hatchet. We have a two bedroom house with a wraparound deck which is the shit. I work at a little gas station down the road, she works at a porn shop right around the corner. We make enough money to live on, and we're not struggling by any means, which is nice. It seems like this is the first time in my life where I actually haven't been stressed out about money. We've got food, the bills are paid a month in advance, there's gas in the car. Life is good.

I miss home though. I mean, my home is here now, but Staunton will always be my home; I grew up there. I miss the familiarity of it. I miss knowing where everything is, and I miss having friends. You know, I haven't made one single friend while I've been here. Well, I know people that I like to talk to, but I know no one who I would like to invite over to our house just to have a good time.

Jon called yesterday and left a funny-ass message on my phone. Made me laugh, and made me feel pretty good too. I think I'm going to go back to Staunton for the 4th of July. That was always THE holiday for me and the boys. Explosions, alcohol, more explosions, and if we're lucky, a trip to the emergency room!

Seriously though, some of my best memories are of me and the boys just sitting on the golf course watching the fireworks. We run around the park first, see who's there, we ALWAYS see people we know, especially James. He knows everybody. Do some catching up. It's always been great to hang around with those guys. People who understand you. People who know your history.

It's Rthrs 21st birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And I am drunk aas a motherfucker. It's the shit. I though Arthur was supposd to puke on his birthday. After I finish this shot, I'ma puke like a motherfucker. It's gonna be awesome. Kay bye.

It's Rthrs 21st birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BERFDAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!!

It's my birthday! 25. I'm old. Things are really weird these days, I don't know what to think anymore. I go put a battery in my truck, I have a look inside and a bunch of shit is gone out of my truck. About 900 dollars worth of stereo equipment is missing. The weird thing is, I'm not even upset about it. What the hell is wrong with me, why isn't this affecting me the way it should be? It's like I don't feel anything anymore. Well, that's not really true, I feel good feelings, but when I get fucked with and I know I should be pissed, I'm not. It's the weirdest fuckin' thing. You may be thinking that this is a good thing, it's not. There's shit that I really SHOULD be mad about, but I'm just... not. I don't know.

My balls smell good.

Back again, I just hit ten months driving. As much as I want to stop driving, I've been thinking about doing it for another year. Why? Am I fucking crazy? I hate this job, but a lot of mother fuckers want two years experience over the road. God, I don't want to do it, I hate dealing with all the shit from these fuckin' bastards, but... I don't know. Amber and I recently spent about two months together. I went to Indiana to see her and stayed for about a week I think. Then before I was going to leave, we just decided that she was coming with me. It was crazy fun, the best part about it was being able to share the experience I've had so far with somebody else. You know, like seeing the country, all the sights and stuff. It was fun. Kay bye.

SLEEEEP!!!!!!!!

I just woke up from sleeping another 14 hours. Wow, I so wish I could do this every day. Stupid trucking. I might get 7 or 8 hours max. I've had to sleep for 3 hours before and then get the fuck up and make a delivery. That shit is gay. Finally picked up the terrorist threats album I've been wanting. Did you know there was a new movie from Rob Zombie coming out? I didn't until today, I gotta see that shit. It's called "The Devil's Rejects". It looks fuckin' fresh. I really liked house of 1000 corpses too.

MY HAIR IS SHORT, WOOOOO!!!!!!

Okay, so I went out and mailed Jon's present, I put B5 on the box, I hope that's right. I've tried to call, but nobody answers their cell phones. Why? Is it me? Do I smell or something? WHY WON'T YOU PEOPLE TALK TO ME?

You all secretly hate me don't you? SAY IT! SAY YOU HATE ME!!!!!!

Got my hair cut! FUCK YEAH! Finally. It was waaaaay too long, it's all short again. I don't look like a fuckin' weirdo anymore. Well... I look like a more attractive weirdo. Yeah. Amber loves it when my hairs short, she says it makes me look like a bad ass. That's a good thing. The state I'm in right now is very rare. I mean, I'm clean, I'm wearing clean clothes, my hair looks decent, my god... I feel human! That feeling doesn't come along that often on the road.

Done writing.

Ahh...

Yes, another relaxing day at my Dad's house. Sleeping for 13 hours rules ass. Now I gotta drag my ass up and get motivated enough to go out and get my hair cut. It hasn't been cut in months. Then I'm gonna get to the post office and mail Jon his birthday present, which is funny because I forgot his address AGAIN. He told me his apartment number but I forgot. I think it's B5, but I'm not sure.

Amber wants to come down here and see me, which I would really like to happen, but it would be rude to my dad. I don't know. I'm half-tempted to tell her to come down for a day or something, but I'm going to see her in a couple of weeks anyway. I MISS HER! She's so preeeeeeeeetty.

My butt smells. Time to go wash it.

IT'S FUN TO LIGHT MY ASS HAIRS ON FIRE!

Wuttup! Driving a truck like a madman, finally got to head to my Dad's house for some well deserved rest. Thank you oh lord. Don't really have a lot to say now, except that I need to take a poop. I'll probably update again tomorrow, or later today. KAY BYE!

Chillin'...

Still in this gay hotel. There is one fresh thing about being here, there's a hell of a lot of shit within walking distance. I walked up to this mall yesterday, it was fresh as shit! They've got fuckin' everything there. On top of all your basic fresh mall stuff, (food court, music place, etc.) they have a circuit city, a movie theatre with 30 fuckin' screens, a day spa, and a mini-golf course! All that shit's fresh. At the Barnes & Noble book store, they got all these huge comfortable ass chairs for everybody to sit in and just read away, nobody asks you to buy a book or anything. So, being me; I took advantage of their kindness and sat there reading for about four hours. I found this fresh-ass book by Chuck Palaniuk (the guy who wrote Fight Club) called "Haunted". It's a collection of short stories, and when I started reading it I thought I was gonna pass out, for real. The first story in there is so horrific, I could feel myself starting to pass out, that's no joke. If you get time, head up to your local book store and check that shit out, It's got this out of focus, purple ghost face on the front. I went to the movie theatre and saw Kung Fu Hustler. It was funny as shit, and it had some bomb-ass fight scenes in it too. Alright, gonna go. I think tomorrow is going to be my last day in this hotel. Only four days until the one-year anniversary of this blog. Wow, the things that can happen in a year.

Still stuck...

Here I am, still chillin' in this hotel in Texas. Man, I want to be HOOOOOME. I hate being gone, I hate this company. They're always fuckin' with me. It's like, if you don't log illegally, and if you have to sleep more than 8 hours at a time, and if you can't just fall asleep at any time of the day, you get shit on by the company. You're treated like shit, all the time. It's like you're not even human anymore. They act like you're out here just dickin' around, being irresponsible. I can't wait till my year is up. As it is, I got about 7 months to go until I can quit without getting hit with a huge fine. I don't know what I'm going to do after that though. I've been thinking about learning another skill. Driving a truck is cool and all, but I just hate the people who do it. All the truck drivers I meet are fuckin'... some of the worst people I've ever met. Loud-talking, moronic idiots who think that as soon as they leave the house to go out on the road, morals don't matter. I don't know. I've kinda been thinking about starting my own trucking company. "Cause lets face it, there's a lot of money to be made in this business. And if I start my own company, someone else will do he driving while I stay home and get paid. That would be the shit. Amber and I have also been talking about starting an internet business on E-bay. I don't know what we'd sell. Although I've always thought that selling used women's panties on the internet would make helly money. (They probably wouldn't be REALLY used, we'd just buy a cheap pair of underwear and like, rub a dead fish on them or something.) Guys will buy that shit. I just want to get away from this soul-sucking, lifeless company. Bastards.

Finally found a place to update...

Guess what? I'm chillin' in Irving Texas typing on a computer in a hotel that I'm staying at. My truck is fucked up like a motherfucker and my company put me up in this motel and this place happens to have a computer out in the front lobby with an internet connection. Yay! I miss the internet, I feel like I'm disconnected from the world when I'm driving that fuckin' truck. So, driving the truck is pretty fresh except for the not being at home part. Starting to make a little bit of money too, which is always nice. Fucked up part about me waiting on my truck to get fixed is that they think they're gonna have it fixed on thursday, the day I'm supposed to be home. So, god knows when I'll get back to the house. That's gay. Amber and I are doing okay, she gets on my nerves sometimes, but it's nothing that can't be dealt with. She knows she does and tells me she's sorry a lot, but her good qualities more than outweigh the minute bad ones. She makes me feel happy, I feel very secure in the relationship. She's not the kind of girl that gets annoyed with a guy after a month, you know? She's really in it for the long haul. She makes me laugh too. That's pretty important. She's the shit.

Well, I had a good creative flow going, but two pieces of white trash just walked up and asked to use the computer, knocking me off the typing train. I'll update sometime soon. Hey, I'm gonna be here for a few days, maybe tomorrow! Maybe. No promises. Bitch. Kay bye.

Okay...

I'm thinking about taking down this blog. It's been nice to have, but it seems like over the time I've had it, it's done me more harm than good. I've always wanted my life to be an open book, but I guess there's just some stuff others don't need to know.

I've also finally given in to the fact that I'm not a kid anymore. It's been a long time coming, but I've got to finally become an adult. Well, I don't think I'll ever TRULY be an adult, it's just that I've got so much responsibility now, if I get a felony, I will not only go to jail, but I'll never work again. As a truck driver, I need to be able to go into Canada.

Hmm...

There's a lot I want to say, to a lot of people. I'm going to keep my thoughts off of here though. There's a time and a place for it all, and it's not here.

News bomb!

Okay, I finally managed to get near a computer that works to some degree, so I'm going to try to make an update. This computer is gay. Anyway, I made it through the CDL training and got my CDL. Fuck yeah. That's not the big news though. I fell in love with a girl while I was there. Her name is Amber, and she is wonderful, she treats me great. She's everything that I want in a woman. Her and I are still a couple, even though she's still in Indiana. She's gonna be down here soon though. She's down to move here and try to make this work. Fuck yeah! Wish I could type more, but my computer is being a piece of shit today.

Quickie...

Wuttup yall, I ain't dead yet! Don't have a lot of time, so here goes...

Trucking school is fuckin' great, I caught some christian dude wackin' off in my room which sucked, Kristy I'm busy as all fuck, but I'll try to get in touch with you, and I miss everybody insanely much. KAY BYE!!!!!

I'M NOT DEAD!!! Yet.

I made it to Ohio, that's where I'm posting from. Dad's house. I remember sitting here, talking to Meghan for HOURS on this computer, waiting ALL that time to get back to VA. It's pretty depressing being here. But, on the upside, in about an hour and a half, I'll be in Indianapolis! FUCK YEAH!!!!! Kristy, leave a comment on this post and tell me how to get in touch with you, and let's fuckin' meet for once.

My fingers are on the keyboard, let's see what they type...

Nervous as fuck. I've been studying like a madman for school. I want to whoop this things ass. I can't remember being so nervous before. Trying to figure out if I should just start driving tonight, cause I don't know if I'm going to be able to sleep.

Went to the free clinic today, they were closed. Fuckers.

Went to Jon's, he wasn't there. His truck was, he wasn't. It was very odd.

Sucessfully managed to alienate everyone I know, except for Matt and Nori, I think. I've always said I'd make a good father, I'm going to have to change that. I'm going to say, "I'll make a good father, once I become more stable; financially and emotionally." Gotta get some insurance, then a psychiatrist.

Saw Ann. Funny, all the shit I've pulled, all the crazyness and all the different emotional states I've been through, she's been more than willing to listen to me with an open ear. When I grow up, I wanna be just like her.

Been walking a lot, thinking. Trying to get things under control in my head. I keep feeling like I'm gonna die. Can't really explain it, but I've got this feeling that I'm not supposed to make it back here.

I can't think up a title, just fuckin' read it.

I love life. I can't get enough. Everything is great, no matter what. Things are gonna be a lot better soon too, I know it. For everybody. I can't believe how mad I've been for the past week or so, that sucked being angry. I felt so much better when I stopped being pissed and let it go.

Walked home at 9 this morning from Matt's, and as I was walking, I see someone running up on me just out of the corner of my eye. I swung on whoever it was, and poor Carpentish almost got his head taken off. He stopped just short though, that fucker's crazy. That's why I respect him. I used to fuckin' hate him for slapping Jon and shit, but now he's fuckin' great.

This trucking thing is gonna be fuckin' fun, like an adventure or some shit. I don't know if I'm gonna make it up there though, I got 60 bucks, and it takes about 30 bucks to fill up my tank. I gotta see if I can borrow something from somebody.

SORRY!!! Geez.

Sorry about that. Everything gets crazy and I get mad. I'm mad stressed out, to anybody I hurt, sorry. And to whoever was posting, trying to give me advice, I appreciate it. I didn't mean to be a dick, it was good advice. Don't worry about me though, I got this. Shit's crazy with trucking school and the shit that Jess is going through. I know it's not my fault and that these things happen, but I still feel like shit. I wanted to call her, but I didn't think she wanted to hear from me. She posted on her journal pissed as a motherfucker. It was scary to say the least. You're not getting near me with anything sharp again, Jess. :)

I feel better now that everything is coming together. Jess's surgery is over and it went okay from what I read, and I'm prepared for school for the most part.

Again, sorry. I lost it for a little minute there.

IT'S ANGERFEST 3000!!!!!

Cut all my hair off again today, wearing my scrappin' gear. Yeah. I want to hurt someone. Why you ask? Why not? Fuck being nice.

To anybody...

Hey, to anybody who doesn't like me, FUCK YOU. Straight up, I don't know why I even fuckin' care anymore. Maybe it's me, maybe it's everybody else, I don't know, but I want YOU MOTHERFUCKERS to know, that if you were down with me one day and now you're not, FUCK YOU! Eat a fuckin' bowl of dicks.

I talked to Jon last night, that helped. He's the ONLY motherfucker in my life that hasn't straight-up betrayed me. You know, why should I fuckin' care any more about motherfuckers who don't care about me? Why do I always take you motherfuckers back? Fuck you people.

Fuckin' Wal-mart....

I think I'm gonna go ahead and quit work. I've only got about a week before I leave to go to school anyway, and I've got to study. There's going to be a bunch of tests when I get up there that I have to do, like I have to get an Indiana driver's liscence just to get a CDL-A up there, so I have to retake the written driver's test, then I gotta pass another test to get my CDL-A learner's permit. That sucks. I also gotta pass the eye exam, I haven't had my prescription updated in a while. So I hope I pass that one. Anyway, fuck Wal-mart. I should quit in a funny way. I'll tell the boss that a customer looked at me funny, so I quit.

Holy fuck dude...

Women are crazy. That's all I gotta say. Why can't I meet one and we just... get along? Maybe I'm the crazy one, and they're all normal. I don't know.

Got drunk as fuck friday night and walked to Matt's house. My ex Jessica was there with her new boyfriend. It wasn't a good scene. I was all happy and shit, and then when I walk in, I start cussing at motherfuckers. It seems like alcohol intensifies how I feel by about 5 times the normal feeling. It was nice to see Brooke and Jess though. I miiiiiiiss them. I see Jessica's friend Kristin at Wal-mart all the time, I keep telling her to write Jess, I hope she did.

Going to trucking school in like, 5 days. Holy fuck. I'll be starting a whole new life. It's gonna be fuckin' great. I hope I can get shit straightened out in my life before I go. Drama. You know, drama is so fun to witness, but stale as shit to be apart of.

Can't think of anything else to write. Later.

Funny name for a country song...

"The night mama got herpes"

DIRTY FUCK NUTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't think of anything in particular to post about, but I feel like typing, so we'll jut we what kind of bile I can spew up on here.

I get fuckin' paid tomorrow, finally. My inspection expired in October, so whenever I drive somewhere I drive down all the back roads hoping there are no cops around. Not like my truck would pass inspection anyway. Fucked up wipers, fucked up brakes, no low beams so at night I gotta drive with the high beams on, blinding everybody. Fuck yeah, ghetto-style. It was such a nice truck when I bought it, now it's ghettofied.

I'm so glad I'm gonna be able to fuckin' EAT tomorrow. I mean, there's always been food around the house, but I don't have any money to go buy what I WANT. I remember once when I had my apartment, I went a little apeshit at hatchet gear; I bought a whole bunch of shit, and didn't have enough money to buy groceries. I lived off of tater tots and ketchup for a MONTH. And water. I hated tater tots after that for a looooooong time.

Another apartment story: I bought these brownies, they were little Debbie brownies, the kind that are wrapped up in plastic. For some reason or another, I whipped one at Jon like I was a baseball pitcher. He grabbed it, and whipped it back. It was on. It was me vs. Jon, James, and I think Matt was there, maybe it was Arthur. Funny thing was, YEARS LATER, I would find brownies in the weirdest places, I even found one hiding when I moved out!!! Ahhh, memories. When I drive up the hill to visit Jon, (He lives up there now) I still feel like I'm going home. Then somebody else is livin' in MY fuckin' apartment, and it angers me. Fuck them people. I kept one of the keys, I wonder if it still works? Tonight, NINJA MISSION!!!!!

Sometimes I wish I wasn't so crazy. I know why I'm fuckin' crazy, 'cause of my parents! Check this out, my dad is completely anal, he's really clean, talks in a low monotone, he's never yelled at me, he plays everything very, VERY safe. He never draws attention to himself, or sticks up for himself.

My mom is the complete opposite. She's crazy, she fuckin' yells at people, she talks a lot of shit, I don't know how these two got together.

Mom says the only reason it ever happened was 'cause dad had a nice ass. Dammit mom.

So I've got these two personalities fighting inside me all the time. I'm a nerdy looking, 6'3 250-pounder who'll kick your fuckin' ass with his glasses on. I'm definitely a rare one. I'm a very smart criminal. I'm a crazy maniac who's into video games and computers. I'll rob your punk-ass and go buy stock with the money I stole!

I guess that's why I got a different view of the world than most people.

OKAY, DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WUTTUP YALL!!!!!

Today, I got it verified, I have been accepted to trucking school up in Indiana. HELL YEAH!!!! FAT FUCKIN' PAID DAVE WILL BE!!!!!!! DOLLA DOLLA FOOL!!!!!! REKANIZE IT!!!!!

Here's the deal:

School starts Oct. 4th, and I plan on a two-day trip up there, so I gots to leave on the second. I'll drive to Ohio and find a place to stay there, then on the third I'll hop up to Indiana. Wait, fuck that. I'll just do it all on the third, Indianapolis is only about an hour and a half from Fairborn, where my grandma lives. It's a two-and-a-half week course, the last day is the 20th, so I should be home the night of the 21st. Then dude on the phone said it would be like a week before I got picked up for my first job which will be supervised, and at that point I'll be gone for like, 2 to 4 weeks. That's gonna be crazy as shit. I'll be making that cash though. I don't give a fuck right now, I ain't got no girlfriend, I don't have any obligations here, time to hit that road, BITCH NIGGA!!!!! I'M RUNNIN' OVER ALL YALL FOOLS!!!!!! Oh yeah, get this shit, I get a thousand dollar sign-on bonus!!! I get my first 500 bucks when dude comes to pick me up, and I get another 500 when I get dropped off, ON TOP of the money I get for driving!!!! Trucking rules. Everybody should be a trucker.

I've been reading everything I can get my hands on about trucking, I went to the DMV and got a CDL-A study guide for free. (That's what I'll be getting, a CDL-A liscense) I been reading that shit, I gotta be honest, it looks easy as fuck. They got all sorts of things called "Endorsements" and those are little specialized drivers liscense things, they say that you can drive two trailers at once or you've been trained to deal with Hazardous materials. They call that one a Haz-mat liscense. Apparently a lot of truckers don't want this, because they don't want to pull dangerous shit. But, you get paid a lot more to drive Hazmat shit. Fuck, I'll do it! I'll haul the most dangerous shit you can give me if the money's right!!!!

Sheeit, I'll haul gas, dynamite, all that shit. I'll haul a fuckin' NUCLEAR WEAPON. I'll haul the anthrax virus. I'll haul fuckin' lifers from prison. SHIT, IF THE MONEY'S RIGHT, I'LL HAUL TERRORISTS, NUCLEAR WEAPONS, GAS, ANTHRAX VIRUSES, JACK DANIELS, AND A SHITLOAD OF GUNS, ALL IN THE SAME TRAILER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND I'LL DRIVE FAST AS SHIT CAUSE I'M FUCKIN' INSANE LIKE THAT! I'LL PRETEND I'M IN THE INDY 500 DOING 120 MILES AN HOUR AROUND A 90 DEGREE TURN!!!!!!

AND I'MA GET PAID LIKE A MUTHAFUKKA FOR THAT SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EVERYBODY'S GONNA BE LIKE, "GODDAMN DAVE, YOU'RE THE MUTHAFUCKIN' SHIT!!!" AND I'MA BE LIKE, "YEAH, THAT ONE MUTHAFUCKA TRIED TO DRINK THE JACK I HAD BACK THERE, SO I HAD TO SHOVE A NUKE UP HIS ASS JUST TO SHOW HIM WHO THE MUTHAFUCKIN' MAN WAS!!! GET OFF MY NUTS FAGGOT!!!"

Here's a new concept...

The mutual break-up. If only normal break-ups were this painless. Shannon and I are no longer together, we both agreed that our relationship had taken a turn for the gay, so we decided to end it. Funny, it hurts; but not like any other break-up I've been through. Usually there's guilt for breaking up with someone who wants to be with you, or you get dumped by someone you want to be with. This was... mutual. We both knew it wasn't going to work, and we came to the realization at about the same time. Well, fuck yeah.

Sorry I haven't updated in a while, anyone who doesn't like it can kiss my hairy, white, irish, smelly ass. Bitches.

Tattoo shops smell funny...

Shannon got a job at Twisted Rituals in Waynesboro. It's fresh as shit! I wish I worked there. The only stale thing is she works with this guy who hates fat people. That guy is fuckin' gay. He said something nasty to me today, so when I walked past him, I looked at him pretty hard. He saw me, looked away, and sat outside till I left. He was intimidated.

I wanted to hang out there today, but it was boring. She told me it would be, but it sounded fresh as shit yesterday. The boss got stuck twice by the guy who hates fat people, this guy named Brandon tried to run up the wall, some other funny shit happened, but I can't remember it. How are you gonna get punched twice and just... not care? Strange. Oh yeah, some titties got pierced. That's cool.

Shannon says she'll pierce me for free. She's never done it before, so it would be practice for her, but still, free. I can't think of anything I want pierced though, the only things that I think would be fresh are my dick or my nutsack. I don't really have any desire for anything else. Man, if I got my dick pierced, it's gonna be a bitch going through metal detectors. Hmm.

Shannon kicks ass.

Today...

Today was boring. Shannon and I went to get the buffet at Pizza Hut, that was the shit, came home, slept, got up, mowed the lawn at like, 6:30 pm. Now here I am. Wee.

I gotta go to orientation at Wal-mart tomorrow, it's gonna be some drama. Me, my ex, and her new boyfriend are all gonna work at the same place. Awesome. It's okay though, he weighs about a buck-twenty, no big deal. If he talked some shit, I would still feel bad putting my hands on him, mom told me to never hit a girl. I'll get Shannon to whoop his ass, then I'll fight Meghan. That would be a more even match, Meghan weighs about 5 pounds less than I do, and I'm 240. Stupid bitch. Meghan can fuck off. Yeah, she's a Juggalo and all... but she can still fuck off.

They ain't the hyenas from the Lion King...

Saw the new Exorcist last night, it was the fuckin' shit. Pretty fuckin' scary too, and this is coming from the guy who laughed his ass off at the first Exorcist. For real, the first one didn't scare me, I thought it was funny as shit. This new one tells the story of where that little satan head came from. It was great, there was blood and gore for days, crazy shit happening everywhere, lots of good scares, and there was this one scene where this pack of hyenas comes out of fuckin' NOWHERE. That scene was fucked up as hell, I was clutching onto my seat and shit; that's all I'm gonna say though, I don't want to give anything away.

Matter of fact, it would be funny as hell to put the hyenas from this movie into the Lion King, and vice versa. Poor Simba would be dead as hell, end of movie. And the hyenas in the Exorcist would be voiced by Whoopi Goldberg, she'd be making jokes about Satan and shit, then she would puke on everybody. The other one would get posessed too, but Ed, the one who laughed instead of talking; wouldn't. Actually, I think he was already posessed by Lucifer in the Lion King.

Listen to this funny shit!

I was in Wal-mart today, and I saw Meghan's new boyfriend. This guy is scrawny as hell (110 pounds) and resembles an emaciated turtle. I was walking towards the electronics section where he works, and he MEAN-MUGS ME!! It was funny as shit! It reminded me of a pissed off chihuaua. Well, I mean-mugged him back, but I don't think it was that intimidating because I was trying so hard not to laugh! My face looked funny as shit! I just walked past him, I was on my way to the automotve section.

Speaking of which, I got a job there changing oil. Yup, Dave's gonna be a greasemonkey at wal-mart. I got orientation at 9 am monday? Or is it tuesday? Uh oh...

Oh shit, I can't remember now! Hold up...

Okay, it's tuesday. They left a message on my machine while I was at fuckin' wal-mart trying to figure out if they backed out of hiring me. OH SHIT! There's a Juggalo that works in the automotive department too! I saw him today! HA HAAA!!!! WOOOOO!!!!! Fuck yeah!!! Kick ass. I'm hyped as shit. I also bought some Stacker 3's today, they work pretty good. They're cheap as shit at Wal-mart! I should take like 8 a day, just to see what happens.

Life is Beautiful.

I can't help but be thankful for everything that has ever happened to me. I'm so happy that I've had the chance to live through bad times and good times, just to have the chance to live at all, and feel ANYTHING, I'm thankful.

I know times are hard sometimes, and when you feel like complaining, think about this; would you rather feel this way, or not exist at all? You've been given life, you get to experience everything life has to offer. Think of all the little sperms your daddy shot into your mama when you were conceived. You beat out about 4 million other sperm trying to get into that egg, the rest just died. I'm sure all of them would be glad to take your place.

You know what else I realized today? That you can do anything. ANYTHING. I figured it out while I was waiting in line to buy some stuff at Wal-mart, it ws like a had a moment of complete clarity! Listen to this...

I was looking at the woman in front of me in line, and I thought to myself, "You know, I could punch this woman in the back of the head as hard as I could right now, and probably kill her." My fist balled up, and my brain traced a flight path for my fist to follow. My muscles gauged themselves, ready to follow through. Then I relaxed. I wouldn't do it! That would be fucked up as hell, there are consequences to be had. But, as I stood there thinking about what just could have happened, I realized that at any time, I could do anything I wanted out of nowhere, and I would completely flip the script on anyone who thought they had me figured out. I began to understand just how powerful I was now that I had this knowledge.

People like to place limits on themselves, they say "I can't do it." That shuts off your brain!! If you say you can't do it, then your brain clicks off like a light bulb. Instead of saying, "I can't do it", try saying...

"How can I do it?"

This starts your brain working, looking for an option! It doesn't shut it down, it makes it go! Think about it, when was the last time you placed a limit on yourself, when you told yourself that you couldn't do something?

Here's an example of when I placed a limit on myself...

I really wanted to smack my mom in the face once, but I didn't want to face the consequences of doing that. I told myself "I couldn't do it. I can't get away with slapping mom without repercussions." Then I started asking myself how I could do it, and I came up with a solution! I waited until mom was asleep, I snuck in her room, AND I SLAPPED HER SO HARD SHE WAS KNOCKED INSTANTLY UNCONSCIOUS, RIGHT BACK INTO SLEEP!!!! She woke up with a big purple handprint on her face, she couldn't figure out what happened.

I was only going to do a small update, but like my penis; it just got bigger and bigger...

I did nothing today. Well, nothing productive. Sucks, I hate it when I can't sleep, I'm a fuckin' insomniac, I swear. No wonder I got addicted to nyquil.

Shaved my stomach hair today. If was funny. It pissed me off, so I just shaved it. Now it's all smooth and shit. Jessica was asking me, "Isn't it going to just keep growing back, aren't you just going to have to keep shaving it?" I forget what I said, but I should have told her that I didn't care if it grew back or not; my hair pissed me off, it was in the heat of the moment, I shaved it to teach it a lesson and I wasn't thinking about the long-term consequences. My hair looked at me funny, so it got fuckin' shaved. It knew better. But it decided it was gonna be funny. Well guess what stomach hair? Dave's pretty funny too. Now when you grow back, you'll think twice before you look at me all cross-eyed and shit.

Normally I don't talk about my dreams here, but I've got to bring this up because it was pretty traumatic. I dreamed about that faggot Nathan.

[Sidenote: Nathan was a guy I was friends with in high school that ended up giving me and all my friends from that era real mental problems. That's the Nathan story in a nutshell.]

I dreamed I saw him somewhere and he threatened me, he turned around and I put him in my favorite headlock. It was pretty fresh, but it was way too real. Luckily, mom woke me up. Wow, that was one of the first times I was happy to be woken up.

"But Dave, why would you want to stop dreaming when your dream was so fresh?"

Well voice in my head, I'm glad you asked.

There is so much hate in me when it comes to this guy. So much anger. I'm not an angry person anymore, but this guy... he's the biggest dickhole in the world. When I was in the dream and I saw him, I became overwhelmed with hatred. The anger washed over my entire body, I tensed up physically; everything came rushing back in a wave of heat.

It wasn't pleasant.

OH SHIT!!!! I've gotta tell you guys this. This is big.

There was a guy my mom was dating when I was about 8, a guy named Jay. He fucked with my mom something awful. I've always told everyone that, at any time I could go to jail, 'cause if I see him, I'm going to try to kill him. Well, guess what happened last night in Wal-mart?

I saw him.

Why am I not in jail now? Lemme tell you how it went down...
I'm walking out, I'm going past the donut section, and I see this little guy. He looks familiar... it's him. Oh shit. I tensed up, "This is it," I thought, "This is what I've been waiting for." I walk behind him like I'm going to look at the bread, I'm sizing him up. I always remembered that mom was bigger than him, but I didn't realize how small he was until I saw him in person. He wasn't even 5 feet tall! He is tiny, small and weak-looking. There he was, just picking out some donuts, going about his daily life; with no idea that he could be dead in the next five minutes. I started to think, I was thinking about what it's going to be like once I get revenge on this guy. I got images of me violently hurting him, trying to take his life. He wouldn't be able to defend himself. He wouldn't have any idea why I'm trying to kill him, he's just here to get some donuts. What if he changed? What if he has kids? What will happen to me, a man who was dumb enough to commit a violent crime on camera? I began to weigh these things against my mental state of being. I came to the conclusion that, although hurting or killing this man might make that small part of me feel better, I will feel a lot worse by possibly taking a father or husband away from someone, and spending life in jail for 1st degree murder in cold-blood. It's been15 years since then. Maybe that experience was supposed to help me become me in the long run.

This experince raised all sorts of moral questions in me, within the first few seconds of seeing him. One of them was, am I capable of taking a human life? It scares me to say this, but I believe the answer is a resounding yes.

I don't know. It's fucking my head up thinking about all this. If you read this, leave me a comment below so I can see what you think, yalls opinion about this is important to me.

DAVE IS GETTIN' PAID!!!!

Went and hung out with Ann today, I helped her move some shit to the dump today, and she hit me with, not only lunch at Taco Hell, but 25 dollaz! NIGGA!!!! Money = Gas. Yay! Not only that, but I cashed in my Wal-mart stock, and I have a check for 1300 mo dollaz comin'! MO MONEY, MO MONEY, MO MONEY!!!!! STACKIN' CHIPS! MAKIN' PAYPA!!! PUT IT IN MY POCKET BITCH, WHUT!!! DOLLAZ, CHEDDA, GREEN!!!

Sorry, I get excited.

I wish there was a chop shop around here, I would be rich as fuck. Alright yall, If you ever need a car for some reason and you don't wanna do all that jimmying the door, bypassing alarms shit, just head down to any gas station. The Royal station that I worked at would be a great place to pick up a quality ride free of charge. I can't remember how many times I would see people park their cars, get out and come in to buy shit WITH THEIR CAR STILL RUNNING!!!! Escalades, Cadillacs, cars, beaters and heaters, all just chillin', ripe for the pickin'. They would park them around back too, where they couldn't even see their vehicle. All you would have to do is wait around, not look suspicious, and when somebody parked, just get in it like you own it and drive off!

No, I'm not an evil mastermind, I prefer the term, "Criminal entrepreneur".

I'm tellin' you, if I can't make money legally... I'll still make it.

What else could make money? I remember me and a friend of mine used to steal shit out of cars when I was younger. It was so easy too, especially at night. Just find a car that's away from people and doesn't have an alarm on it, and check the doors. If one of them is unlocked, great! Whatever's inside is yours! People leave all sorts of crazy shit in their cars, alhough it was rare that we'd find money. CD's are all over, you can pawn them shits. Bring a bag with you though.
[Remember, only do this one LATE at night.]

Later.

Sad.

I wish I could update, but I can't really do it if I don't want to. Jessica is making me. That's gay. What can I write about?

Hmm...

It's weird to feel lonely. I think I may be becoming relationship-dependent. I mean, I don't need somebody to make me feel like I'm worth something, but I DO feel lonely without someone. I wish Jessica was naturally more affectionate. I miss her. The fact that she's the only one that thinks about me enough to call just makes me want her back more. *sigh*

Meghan's stupid ass. Hung out with her last night. It was gay. She talked about her new boyfriend, and how I was better than him. Well, she didn't say it like that, but she alluded to it. I am prettier, sronger, better personality. All that shit. Only thing is she let this dude have buttsex with her. I asked a couple of times to try it, and she was always against it; yet this 120 pound guy puts it in her butt. I work at the relationship, fuck that; I fuckin' CARRY it for years, yet the little fucker gets to put it in her butt. HAHAHA!!!!! Ew.

I should fuck her just to piss him off.

Kay bye.

Random shit...

Jessica called me last night. That made me feel good. She's the only person out of every single one of my friends who has called me in the past WEEK. Wow. What's up with that shit?
I don't know what to think these days. Am I going crazy? Am I clinically depressed? Am I suffering from the male form of PMS? Jesus, I hope not. Why is life like this when I'm not in a relationship? Why am I asking all these fuckin' questions? When will these questions stop? When will I decide to stop typing? What will I have for lunch today? Where did my nutsack happen to run off to?

What a day...

Wow, it's almost night time, and I haven't done a damn thing. This amazes me. Absolutely nothing has been accomplished. Well, that's not really true, I have accomplished some things, things like sleeping, watching tv, eating a microwave meal, looking around on the internet, showering, staring off into space for 10 minutes at a time, yelling at the dogs, masturbating, dancing in front of the mirror naked while I pretended to be Michael Jackson, reading millionaire sucess stories while taking a poo, trying to figure out what that weird smell is in the kitchen, watching Sex and the City and typing in this blog. My god, I've actually done a lot of shit today! I need a nap.

Greeeeaaaat...

Another good woman I can't be with. Yay.

Shannon kicks ass, but I can't be with her. She is too jealous of my exes. See, I have a lot of respect for the women I've been with, even if our relationship got all fucked up. I respect them because I'm happy that, even though our relationships got fucked up along the way, there was always a point where it was magical; a point where everything was right in the world.

Shannon has been fucked with before, and she would be driven crazy by me talking to an ex like a friend. I respect that. I can't be with her though. Dammit. I can't just stop being happy with the time these wonderful women (except for the first two) let me spend with them.

Ce la vie, dammit.

On a lighter note, she did treat me out to dinner at El Puerto in Waynesboro, with her kid Soma. It was pretty fresh. Apparently when you speak a different language than english in this country, you feel you can say whatever you want. The people behind me knew Spanish, so they began to shoot the shit with the waiter who they knew. I know an okay amount of Spanish, I'm definitly not fluent in it, but I know things like, "Chupame weboes" and "Los Cabrones" or how about the gratuitous use of "Perra"? (The english equivalents of these three are, "Lick my nuts", "The assholes" and "Bitch".) It annoyed me that these people were just ignorant enough to think no one else knew what the hell they were saying.

I guess that's it for now kids.

Random brain ejaculations...

I'm glad Kristy still looks at my blog. Kristy, I know I don't talk to you much anymore, but I appreciate the fact that you still check up on me from time to time. It makes me happy. I saw your comment, and I don't feel like I get stuck with bad ones, as a matter of fact I feel like the women I associate with are of a very high caliber, it's just circumstance, you know? For one reason or another, things don't seem to work out. But, that's how relationships go. I don't regret being with Jessica, even though it caused me some bad feelings in the end. But she is a great girl and we had great times in our short relationship. See, Jessica stopped being affectionate with me. Not that she didn't love me, I believe she did very much. But once she settles into a relationship and finds her stride, she doesn't feel inclined to be affectionate anymore. I mean, her father and her have never been close, but they love each other. (Jessica will deny this at first, but you know she does.) That's just how she is, she wasn't TRYING to make me feel unloved.

However, I like to be in very open, affectionate relationships, and when Jessica hit her stride, I hit a wall. We're just different in that way. We probably could have worked through it too, if I wasn't so tired from pushing my last relationship up a hill for two years. (My last girlfriend, Meghan, had no idea how to make a relationship work, and no people skills; so the responsibility of communicating and being open was entirely on my shoulders.) After that debacle, I just didn't have it in me to push anymore, and it definitely wasn't fair of me to try to make Jess do all the work.

So yeah. Speaking of Meghan, I saw her last night. It was funny to talk about the people we've been having sex with. 6 months ago, if Meghan just started about the random guys she was fucking, I would have choked her ass. Now, we're just chillin', talking about fucking people. It was pretty fresh. I miss Sugar Bear, our dog. Sugar Bear's great, she's a Rottweiler-Doberman-Pitbull-Pomeranean cross!!! It's funny as shit!!! The great thing about her though is that, even with all those mean dogs in her, she wouldn't hurt a fly!!! She's really nice too, she just walks up to you, little tail wagging. The only place you see the Pom in her is in her tail. She's a big Rott, she's all muscle-bound, and then she's got this little poofy-ass curly tail!!! It's great, I love mutts.

Have any of you seen sex and the city? It's this show about this woman ande her three friends who go around having sex with everybody. Mom's freind brought over seasons one and two on DVD, and I can't stop watching them, they're funny as shit!

Okay, I'm done typing. Kay bye.

FRESH, STALE, FRESH, STALE, FRESH.... WHEN WILL IT EVEN OUT?!?!?!?!

WOW! Life is fresh again.

I hung out with Shannon last night, we went to the waynesboro wal-mart and went back to her place to fix tacos. It was the shit. She also showed me a movie called Donnie Darko, I think. It was the shit for real, if yall haven't seen it, give it a watch, you'll like it.

Shannon is the shit. She's HOT, she's sweet, she's a Juggalo, and she COOOOOKS!!!!!! HOLY SHIT!!!! She's a lot of fun too, someone who I can joke with. She listens, that's fuckin' amazing. I told her this the other day, you never realize how many people don't listen until you find one who does.

I hung out with Muriel today, just chilled and watched DVD's. She's the shit too, she's gettng pretty touchy-feely with me. She also said she doesn't want to be with her boyfriend anymore, they don't see each other enough. She keeps talking about what it would be like to date me. Hmmm.

This is so fresh. I'm still getting use to this, "being cute" business. Two wonderful women, who both want my time. I never thought it would happen. Now all I have to do is convince Shannon to experiment with lesbianism.

DICKHOLE ALERT! IF YOU DON'T WANT TO READ MY INNERMOST THOUGHTS, STOP NOW!

So, let's count 'em up...

1. Tonya Elaine Whitlock
2. Amanda Carrie Fix
3. Ann Catherine Gross
4. Lacey K Ferrell
5. Meghan Marie Bottenfield
6. Susanah Lynn Traxler
7. Jessica Ashley Humphreys

I like to play around with people and tell them these are the names of the women I've had sex with, but actually these are the women who I've loved in my life. When I get married, every woman who has heard "I love you" from me will get their name tatooed on my left shoulder. Each one still has a piece of my heart, that love never really goes away completely; so I figure I should symbolize that in a tatoo. The names in the large type are the major ones, the ones that aren't are rebounds. Boy, I'm a rebounding motherfucker, ain't I?

I broke up with Jess. I guess she figured yesterday would be the best time to take some time off from our relationship and not call or anything, seeing as how we're doing so amazingly well. (SARCASM.) Look, I don't mean to sound like an asshole, but I have no patience left. I thought I made it clear that I needed attention. I guess I didn't make myself clear enough.

I went to Matt's, something just told me to have a look, and there they all were. Sleeping. Went in, talked to Jessica, (even in the dark she's beautiful) and told her I was breaking this off, and that I would be by her place later today to pick up my shit.

You don't have to worry about not talking to your whiny boyfriend or calling him to let him know you care anymore. Have a good time.

Why would she ask me not to break up with her, then still slack off? I'm so upset, pissed off, sad, mad. Sucks.

Well Jess, it took you all of a month to earn a spot on my body and in my heart. Congratulations.

Wow...

Well, just as life can all of the sudden become insanely fresh, it can also become stale. Jessica treats me like shit, and although it has gotten a little better, it still SUCKS. I'm miserable. I told her that we can't save our relationship, it's too fucked up; but she asked me to not break up with her, to give her some time. I am, but everyday just grates on me, like fingernails on a chalkboard. Dammit, if I wanted a shitty relationship I would've stayed in my last one. Funny, I went from the best relationship I've had, to the worst relationship I've had, all in a week. Well, second worst, she hasn't cheated on me. I feel like shit today. No calls from her, no nothing. I went to try to see Nori today, and you can only see the prisoners between 8 and 10 am on the weekends. I thought about calling Jessica and telling her I was going, but honestly it just hurts me to look at her. This sucks.

Some drama today: I'm walking downtown to see Nori, and I see Crazy Dave, he looks pissed. I talk to him, and he is. Hunter stole his cd's from George's house, and Crazy Dave is heated. So, he goes off to work after he tells me about it, and I walk to the jail. I'm reading the sign about the prisoners, and I look to my left, and I see Hunter go by! Well, I think it's Hunter, I can't quite remember his face. So I go out there after him, he walks around the corner and sits down at the Beverly. I walk around the corner, and I see him unwrapping some clothes he has with him, and in them is a black cd case! I immediately say, "Hey, those are Crazy Dave's cd's!" He tells me they aren't, I ask him if his name's Hunter, he says no. Now, it would be fucked up of me to just beat down some random dude over some cd's that are his, so I just say okay and walk back to my truck. I go to KFC and ask Dave what hunter looks like, and what the cd case looks like. I had the right guy. So I go back down there and I find his ass, and sit down with him. He starts telling me that they're his girlfriends cd's, he keeps saying "Why would I steal Dave's cd's, I don't even like his shit!" He was lying like a motherfucker. So I'm talking to him, I'm telling him that he better give me them cd's and CrazyDave won't be pissed. (A lie and a half) So, he won't hand them over, he's pissing me off so I tell this little fuck, "If you don't give me those fuckin' cd's, I'm gonna beat your ass right here." So he immediately gets up and starts walking away, saying "Man, these ain't his, they're my girlfriends!!!" Blah blah blah, I'm walking after him, and after he turns the corner around the police station, he takes off!!! I try to chase him, but he's a small guy, after I got around the corner of those downtown shops, I didn't see him anymore. I want to find where that guy lives.

So yeah, didn't get much accomplished today, and my relationship sucks. Kay bye.

Dave

P.S. If Jess reads this, sorry I sound so heartless but I need to let this shit out.

P.P.S. If anybody wants to see some funny shit, pick you up something in the McDonald's drive through and check out that stupid looking guys forehead.

8 days on the iron boat ride...

Yup, Nori's doin' time. Only eight days though, which is good. Along with, I think 150 hours of community service, then some program called VASAP. Something to do with alcohol abuse. What else did he get? He's got some fines too. I forget how much though.

I wish Jessica was more open. Every time I try to talk to her it turns into a confrontation, like she did something wrong and she's got to defend herself. I wish I could keep her from doing that, it makes talking to her about things hard when I know it's going to feel like I'm attacking her. That sucks. This is really hard.

I love blogger. It's the only real creative outlet I have. I wish I was able to draw or something like that. I can write poetry, but I have to be in the mood. The only thing I'm really good at creatively is writing stories and making people laugh. I'm so crazy is fun.

I'm so crazy I'll commit suicide just to see if I like it.

I'm so crazy I'll paint myself like an Indian on the warpath, stand in front of an oncoming train and yell, "BRING IT OOOOONN BITCH!!!!"

I'm so crazy I'll stand up in the middle of a plane ride and scream "THERE'S A BOOOMB!!!!! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIIIIE!!!!!" as loud as I can.

I'm so crazy I'll walk up in a Eminem concert reppin' the hatchet. Wait, that's not that crazy considering that the only people that go to Eminem concerts are 13 year old girls.

I'm so crazy, I'll take on Brooke's titties in a boxing match. I'll lose, but fuck it; I'm crazy.

(I said buttfuck. He he, cool.)

I'm so crazy, I'll stick a harmonica up my ass just so I can fart "The Star-Spangled Banner."

I'm so crazy, I'll piss George off so bad he'll attack me.

I'm so crazy, I'll start doing everything the voices in my head tell me to do, instead of trying to convince everyone that there aren't voices in my head and everything's cool. 'Cause it isn't. There are actually a shitload of people in here. Actually, if you could imagine a serial-killers convention, that's what it's like. Imagine 1000's of serial killers yelling at me all at once to do shit. Plus Barnyard Shenanigans. So yeah, serial killers and Barnyard Shenanigans. It's a lot of fun actually.

 

Everything's back to normal. OR IS IT???? DUNDUNDUN!!!!!

Yeah, I took down that last post. Maybe I was just on the rag or something, I don't know. I told Jessica's mom that it must have been that time of the month for me yesterday, and she laughed. Then she offered me twenty dollars for sexual services. So now I'm treating everybody to Mickey D's for breakfast, then it's off to court!!!! WOO!!!! I'm so glad things are back to normal.

 
OR IS IT?????

PUT ME ON PUBLIC DISPLAY AND SHOWCASE SO THERE'S AN EQUAL OPPORTUNITY FOR EVERYONE TO HATE ME!!!!!!!

You know the words. SING IT, FUCKER!!!!!!

BASTARDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am a hater. I am hating on two people in particular right now, Matt and Nori. Why?

'CAUSE THEY'RE GOING TO THE GATHERING!!!!!!!!! FUCKERS!!!!!!

It's all good though. Matt has had to listen to all my fresh gathering stories from when I went back in 2002 (he knows them so well he can tell them like he was there), so now I'll get to listen to his fresh stories.

And how fitting that I went to the gathering right before the Wraith, Shangri-La album dropped, now he's going to the one before Hell's Pit.

I AM SO FUCKIN' CRAZY, I'LL RUN UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE GATHERING WEARING AN EMINEM SHIRT!!!!!!!!!! OOOOOHHHHH SHIIIIIITTT, I MUST BE OUT OF MY GODDAMN MIND!!!!!!!!!!

Grandma's birthday is tomorrow. Mom's making a big deal out of it, 'cause she says there might not be another one. That's gay. You know what Grandma wants to do for her birthday?

Go to the racetrack.

Yep, Grandma's a bettin' fool. It'll be fresh though. We'll get some alcohol in her, and she'll start laughin' at shit for no reason. And I mean no reason, like... she'll just look at mom and start laughing. Grandma's crazy.

OH SHIT, after Grandma's birthday, mom is gonna be gone for a week to Michigan!!!!! HEEE HEEE HEEE!!!!!! I haven't even told anybody about that yet, I keep forgetting! Jessica is SPENDING THE NIGHT up in this piece, AND we are... fuck. I was about to say we were gonna get shit-faced, but no money. FUCK!!!!!

I gotta get something started, I had a ton of plans and shit, but when I met Jessica I got sidetracked like a motherfucker. All I want to do is see her and be around her, but that's not good for making money. Shit, I tried to take her to Wal-mart with me the other day to do some shopping, but we couldn't keep our hands off each other and we took like, an hour to do shit when it should have taken 20 minutes.

This relationship is insane, I have NEVER been so passionate with a woman like I am now. All I want to do is look in her eyes and shit. It's fuckin' gay and mushy as hell. I love it though. Like, I can't keep my hands off her if she's around. I can't concentrate on other stuff, only on her. And food. I can only concentrate on her AND food when she's around. God, I'm a fat shit. Being fat is cool.

Read "Rich Dad, Poor Dad". That shit made me insane about money.

Big Dave
AKA
"The Faster-Pastor; Clitmaster of Disaster"

FREE MIKE J!!!!!!

Michael Jackson is fuckin' innocent. I hate when raging morons sit on there fat asses screaming "He's guilty!!!!! Hang him from the highest tree, etc., etc." People want to judge him based on HOW HE LOOKS, no one bothers to look at the facts.

The first reason people jump to conclusions on this molesting thing is because he has never-never land. Most people just assume this is how he lures kids in and then feels up their balls and shit, which is bullshit. Mike never had a childhood, from the time he was able to walk, he was taught to dance and sing, and shouldered the responsibility of carrying the Jackson 5 as their lead singer. He started out in life with an 80-hour-a-week job! Look, when someone is forced to grow up at an early age, whether it was when they were 6 or 16, they spend their entire lives trying to recapture what they lost. It's a syndrome, I forget what my psychologist called it. Mike didn't have ANY childhood, so he is an EXTREME case. He never wants to grow up, and he will spend all of his life trying to recapture the childhood he never had. He lives out his childhood through other kids, THAT is why he has kids over all the time! The LAST thing he would want to do is touch a little kid like that.

Reason 2: He just LOOKS like a weirdo. As we all know, if you LOOK like a weirdo, you ARE a weirdo. Well, ALMOST everyone knows that, I'd say about 90 percent of all western culture thinks that way. If you make judgments based on what people look like, you're a stupid fuck and you should be sterilized so you won't contaminate the rest of society. Which leads us to...

Reason 3: This makes him an easy target. Just send your kid to Mike's, say he fondled your kid, and he'll slap you with money to shut you up. Which is EXACTLY what he did in his last trial. There was a tape-recorded phone conversation between Mike and the first kids dad, in which the dad said "If you don't give me blank amount of money, I'm going to ruin your career." THEY PLAYED THE TAPE IN COURT!!!! The kid said, "Yeah, he's got this scar here, this birthmark there...", and when they stripped Mike to look at him, NOTHING MATCHED UP!!!!! It was complete BULLSHIT!!!! But Mike gave those fuckers a shitload of money to shut them up, and it was too late. All it took for the public to believe it was true was an ACCUSATION. People are so STUUUUUUPIIIIIID!!!!!!

Now there's a new trial, and Mike ain't payin' off NOBODY. He's going to fuckin' PROVE he's innocent. I'm glad too, I hope when he wins his case, he pulls his pants down and tells the world to kiss his white-black ass. Listen to this, the family suing him makes a living off of suing people!!! They won 192,000 dollars from a civil suit with the JCPenney corporation in 98! They've sued a whole shitload of people for money, and I bet they thought this was going to be a simple, "We'll just threaten him a little with a suit and he'll give us some fast cash" kind of thing. NOPE!!!! MIKE THREW YOU INTO A MEDIA CIRCUS, BITCH!!!!

No one wants to use their head anymore, they just want to go with the crowd! WHY!!!! The Nazis went with the crowd, didn't they!?!?!? "Hey, I know we did messed up shit but we were just following orders." FUCK YOU, YOU MURDERED 8 MILLION PEOPLE AND YOU THOUGHT NOTHING WAS WRONG?!?!?!?!

In every study I see, I see that most people are less afraid of death then they are of speaking in public. Why? Because public speaking requires that you single yourself out, and if you single yourself out, then you run the risk of being ostracized!!! Can't have that!!! If you're different, no one will like you! Wait... wait just a second...... you mean... there are people that won't like you... if you happen to not think EXACTLY like they do? That... in order for these people to like you... you have to be just like everyone else?

WHAT WE HAVE HERE IS A BUNCH OF MENTAL INBREEDING!!!! DON'T BE A MENTAL WEST VIRGINIAN, BEFRIEND SOMEONE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT THAN YOU! STOP THE INBREEDING!!!!

So yeah, Mike J's the man. Pick up his newest one, "Invincible". A lot of people slept on that one, personally I think it's one of his best.

DEAD!!!!

My biological grandma died. I'm not sad though, I met her like, once. It was funny, one day mom decided that she wanted to meet her birth parents, she called a private detective, and eventually he gave us a phone number to call. That was probably the craziest phone call I've ever been witness to. Imagine calling a woman and saying, "Hi, you don't know me, but I'm the daughter you gave up 40 years ago." because that's what happened. All the other daughters were over there (mom has 3 sisters) and my bio. grandma had to tell them all right then and there that they all had another sister they never knew about. They were pissed.

I wonder if suicide is really scary? If you put a gun to your head and pull the trigger, does everything go blank? Do you still feel pain for a little bit? If you don't blow enough of your brains out, do you get retarded until you die? These are questions that keep me awake at night.

Oh yeah, Jessica makes me happy.

Dave

SADDAM IS OUR BITCH!!!!!!

I woke up to some freshness this morning! I wake up a little, and there's Saddam Hussein's punk-ass on the tv! I wake up a little bit more, and I see that this is new footage of his arraignment, live from Iraq! That kicks ass! That judge was so fresh too! He's got lots of experience even though he ain't even 40 yet, and he didn't take any of Saddam's bait to draw him into a political discussion and away from the trial. He wasn't intimidated by Saddam in the least! That kicks ass. Saddam's rockin' a beard now, he's not wearing his traditional cocksucking buffer; his mustache.

FUNNY THINGS TO DO WITH MIND CONTROL:

First, any kind of live tv is in deep shit. I would've made the judge get up, punch Saddam in his mouth, call him a dog (Appparently that's a big diss in Muslim culture. Imagine if someone came up to you and told you that your mother sucks dirty gnome cock, swallows their jizz, then pukes it back up on your pillow. It's kinda like that.), and just sit back down for no reason.

I'd make Jessica's mom look at her dad and say "DON'T MAKE ME PULL MY DICK OUT AND DO CARTWHEELS!!!!!" while they're eating with the whole family, like at Thanksgiving or something. She'd scream it in his face while everybody was all quiet! Goddammit, I can't even type 'cause that's making me laugh so hard!!!!!

I'd go up in an old folks home and make everybody riot!!!! Old people would be screaming "EASTSIDE BYYYAAAATCH!!!!" in their little old people voices! And little old ladies would be chasing the staff using their walkers and shit!!!!!

Speaking of old people, their is the cutest old lady that comes into the Royal station every so often. Okay, this cute little old lady comes in, and buys A 40 OF OLD ENGLISH every time! She puts it up on the counter, and she's always really nice, but she wants me to hurry up and put it in the bag. She's always got a bunch of excuses too, like, it goes really good with spaghetti, and all sorts of others, I can't remember them though.

Yesterday was fun. (Hump day kicks ass. :D ) Jessica is hot as hell, but she hates the way she looks. That sucks!!! I don't know what happened to her to make her think that she's so gross, but she's hot as shit and she seems to have no comprehesion of it! You know, I used to think I was the most disgusting thing on this planet, and that came from me being really fat when I was a kid. ( "They called me Stay-Puft Marshmellow man 'cause I was so fat my arms looked like they were sectioned off in rubber bands!" -Jaime Madrox) I mean, I still have residual mental problems from that, but as I've gotten older, I've also gotten more handsome. Maybe she was fucked with when she was younger and she doesn't realize that she's hot now. I don't know. She's fuckin' hot. I want her all the time. HAPPY TWITCHING!!!!!

You know, I think I actually may be getting an ego. I mean, I've begun to realize that I'm actually kind of attractive, and I DEFINITELY have been pulling a lot of women lately. Wow, that's SO CRAZY to me!!! Every time a beautiful woman talks to me or flirts with me, I just can't get over how fresh that is! It's so weird and crazy to me, they don't mace me or slap me, they don't call the cops, nothing! Anyway, back to my ego thing; what I'm afraid of is that I'll turn into that faggot Nathan. That motherfucker is the last person I want to be like. He would fuckin' think he was God's gift to fuckin' EVERYONE, when he wasn't shit! Every time I see a girl who says that he was hot, it pisses me off to no end! Maybe he was somewhat attractive physically ( women that knew him say he had a nice body, but an ugly face) but he had the most disgusting soul I have ever came across. He was a dickface! I just don't want to be anything like that. God I need counseling.

Kline's dairy bar was in this month's issue of MAXIM. Look under the "Found Porn" section. Funny shit.

I love Jessica like crazy, but I've got to try really hard to get back on track with my money-making scheme. It sucks, I want to see her ALL THE TIME, but I NEED to get more info into my head. I haven't done ANY reading since we've got together, and those books are due back... what is today? I hope this isn't the first, 'cause I'm fucked if it is.

Okay, I wanna write more, but I've got to go take a big shit before work. Oooh, I can get some reading in! YAY!

AND I'M OUT LIKE THIS TURD IN MY ASSHOLE IS ABOUT TO BE!

TIME TO CUT OUT MY OWN ASSHOLE WITH A PUMPKIN CARVING KNIFE!!!!!!!

Jessica wrote down a bunch of fresh baby names that we liked on her webjournal, and one of the boy names was fuckian. There's a funny story behind that one...

When I was with Meghan, her and I talked about baby names, and her favorite name for a boy was Ian.

I HATE that name. It's so weak and pathetic. Plus it reminds me of that bitch ass, artsy dude from High Fidelity, the one who was dating the main character's ex.

Her and I could never agree on names, so we were going to compromise. I would let her name the first born, no questions asked; I would name the next in line, no questions asked; etc. BUT... she said if she had a boy, she would name it Ian. And I hate that name SOOO MUCH, I told her that I would name the next kid FuckIan, boy or girl.

Dropped Mary off at her house last night, she invited me in to see her room and it was unbelievable. I have never been in such a nice house, ever. I mean, all the homes I've ever lived in have only been about a fourth as big as hers. I told her I hated her a couple of times, I hope she doesn't think I meant that. I was just playing around, I think that you couldn't pick a better person to have money. Mary doesn't flaunt it at all, or try to throw it in anybodys face. That rocks.

I'm so fuckin' insane. I must be. I am... SO IN LOVE with Jessica. How could this happen? How could it happen SO FAST? I don't know, but it did. Life is crazy as hell, I love it. You know what's even crazier? I wasn't even considering being with her, it had never crossed my mind until the last time we went camping. (2 weeks ago?) And now, we're in love? Life is great. I worry about Nori and Crazy Dave, I need to talk to them, and make sure this isn't going to affect our friendship. I love both of them fuckers, and the last thing I want is for this to make shit complicated.

AND I'M OUT LIKE THE DYING HEARTBEAT OF A LITTLE GIRL!!!!

P.S. Sweet Tooth is the man.

Thoughts...

You know, Jager is a sneaky drink. You drink some of the stuff, you wait a little bit, you don't feel shit from it, you drink more, don't feel shit, drink even more, don't feel shit, drink more, then you're in the backyard trying to fight your old imaginary friend from when you were a kid 'cause the fuck made you drop your ice cream cone that one time.

Jager creeps up on you. I should'a known, damn Germans.

Being Irish myself, I guess I should resent the Notre Dame nickname "The Fighting Irish." After all, how long do you think nicknames like "The Bargaining Jews" or "The Murdering Italians" would last? Only the ironic Irish could be so naively honest. I get the feeling that Notre Dame came real close to naming itself "The Fuckin' Drunken, Thick-skulled, Brawling, Short-dicked Irish."

Jessica is great. I'm glad everything was okay when she made it home last night, I was worried. I'm also wondering why there's 10 bucks missing from my wallet this morning. I know EXACTLY how much money I had when I left work last night, why is my money gone? I really hate to think that somebody could've gotten into my wallet while I was drunk, because the people who could've done it are vehemently against direct thievery, or so they claimed.

Direct thievery - Stealing from friends, family, small mom-and-pop businesses, people's personal property.

Indirect thievery - Stealing from large, faceless corporations, I.E. Wal-mart, Target, your mom.

Anyway...

There are many replies you can make when you hear a statement you agree with. A real old-timer says "You're darn tootin'!"
"I've noticed your granddaughter's nipples stiffen up when I moisten my lips."
"You're darn tootin!"
In my dad's day it was, "You can say that again."
"Hey dad, Mom's ass is starting to sag real bad."
"You can say that again."
When I was a kid we said, "I'm wise."
"Man, your sister gives a good blow job!"
"I'm wise."

Eventually, we grew tired of these expressions. Now there are new ones, and I'm getting tired of them too. Examples:

"I hear ya."
"Wonderful. Are you picking me up visually as well?"

"Tell me about it."
"I just did."

"I heard that!"
"Oh, really? Well, isn't that exciting! What is this, a hearing test? Did I wander into a Beltone commercial? Of course you heard it, ya fuckin' nimrod, I'm standin' right next to ya! I'm gonna wander over here a little farther away. BLOW ME!!!! By any chance did ya hear that???"

"You got that right!"
"What are you, Alex Trebek? Oh. Well... in that case, I'll take bodies of water for $300."

What the fuck!!!!

I now truly believe in horoscopes. Every horoscope freak out there knows that Scorpios (like myself) are highly compatible with Pisces and Aries. JESSICA'S A DAMN ARIES!!!!!

Every girlfriend I've EVER HAD is one of those two signs, I shit you not. Anybody out there reading this, horoscopes are completely real, accurate, and based completly on concrete scientific fact.

I just pulled my dick out. That's how strongly I believe in horoscopes.

AND I'M OUT LIKE YOUR DAUGHTER'S POON WHEN DAVE, THE PEDOPHILE OF DISASTER SHOWS UP!!!!!!

DAMMIT!!!

I FUCKING HATE THE COMPUTER!!! FUCK YOOOOOOOOUUUU MR. COMPUTER MAN! KISS MY FUCKIN' ASS! I WOULD PUNCH YOU IF YOU WEREN'T SO FUCKIN' EXPENSIVE!

I just saw some shit!

Man, I just saw that Korean dude get his head cut off. That was some ruthless shit!!!! The towelheads were all flanking him while he sat there and fuckin' screamed for his life. Then one of the fucks read a statement in towelheadian, and when he got done, this other dude took out a big ass knife and sawed his head right off, quick as shit. It was crazy, it only took him like, 5 seconds to get his head off. Then they held it up and shit, with the spinal cord still attached. Damn. Oh well, nothing I don't see every day.

Dave

AND I'M OUT LIKE... well... nevermind.

Nori better start lifting weights.

I talked to this cop that came into work today, and he said that assaulting an officer carries a mandatory 6 month sentence. I don't know how he's gonna get out of this, he POSSIBLY could if he doesn't have a previous record. On a lighter note, Nori looked helly fresh when they walked him into the court. His face is all beat up, he's all locked down and shit in his orange jumpsuit. He just LOOKED like a prisoner, like someone out of that movie conair.

Dave

AND I'M OUT LIKE MY DICK AROUND JESSICA!!!!

Light conversation...

I CAME IN JESSICA ALL RAW STYLE AND SHIT! IT WAS GREAT! SHE LOVED IT! SHE DESCRIBED IT AS "RIDING A GARDEN HOSE!". Yeah.

kay bye.

Dave

AND I'M OUT LIKE A KID'S BUTT VIRGINITY NEAR MICHAEL JACKSON!!!!

P.S. Oh yeah, Crazy Dave got out this morning, but Nori has to stay in there until the 2nd, when he'll have his trial and probably get sentenced to a couple years.

I AM SO PROUD!!!!!!

Matt, Nori, Crazy Dave and Mary got it on with some cops last night!!!! YEAH!!! That's what I'm talkin' about!!!! If you wanna know what happened, get ahold of me or one of them. I gotta go and try to bail Nori and Dave out of the clink.

AND I'M OUT LIKE THEM TWO COPS THAT NORI WAS FIGHTIN'!

Weirdness...

Meghan came in the gas station today. She wanted me to call her after work, she wanted to complain about how she can't go back to college. I called her and she complained a little, but then she starts asking me quesions like, "How would me staying here affect our relationship?" and "Are you interested in anyone else?".

My guess is she hasn't been reading this.

Poor thing. I feel bad for her. She shoulda treated me better though.

Dave

AND I'M OUT LIKE ME CAUSE I'M GOIN TO JESSICA'S NOW!!!!!!

OH, YOU SHITFACED COCKMASTER!

Yeah, South Park the movie came on comedy cntral at two in the morning the other night, UNEDITED. That made it even funnier. When the uncle fucker song came on, I just kept thinking about some 7 year old who has been sheltered his or her whole life and was hearing these words for the first time.

I'm so fuckin' insane. That all this freshness kicks ass. Jessica, Matt, Jon, all yall. Yall are the SHIT. I've known Jon so long. OH SHIT, gonna be late for work! Gotta go!!!!

Dave

AND I'M OUT LIKE MY JOB WHEN THE BOSS SEES WHAT I WROTE ON MY WRITE-UP SHEET!

Simon says, go fuck yourself.

Have you noticed, whenever there's a problem in this country they get a bunch of celebrities or children together to sing a song about it? Drought, famine, drugs; they sing a song about it. This is an idea that grew out of the '60s peace movement. The idea then was that if enough "good" people sang, chanted and held hands, all the "evil" people would give up their money, weapons, and power. Worked great, didn't it?

Hold up, check out this limerick I just remembered...

There once was a girl named Alice
Who used dynamite as a phallus
they found her vagina
in north carolina
the rest of her wound up in Dallas

Fresh.

Yesterday's freshness, today's staleness...

It seems rare that plans seem to work out and go down without problems, but it does happen on occasion, like it did yesterday. Everything worked out, despite how hard we tried to fuck it up with the constant shoplifting, underage drinking, underage smoking, speeding, driving under the influence, public intoxication, disturbing the peace, pedophilia and whatnot. Now I gotta go to fuckin' work. Bullshit.

Big Dave
AKA
Chester - "I'll molest your kids for free"

AND I'M OUT LIKE THAT ONE PUNK ASS BITCH WHEN RIDDICK FLEW THROUGH THE AIR LIKE SUPERMAN AND PUT TWO KNIVES IN HIS FACE!

Jessica's the shit.

Yeah. That's pretty much all I wanted to say. Kay, bye.

SPLATTERHOUSE RULES YOUR MAMA'S ASS, BITCHES!!!!

Waking up sucks. Last night was fresh though. I got home at 4 in the morning and I'll be damned if mom isn't still up. I was like, "Holy shit, don't you have to go to work tomorrow?" She said, "Yup, but a friend of mine gave me a couple'a cups of this really strong coffee, so I just decided to stay up and drink!" It was funny as hell. Mom was drunk. She was playing Metallica's Ride the Lightning album LOUD AS FUCK, I don't know how the cops didn't get called. I was hoping they would show up though, just so I could tell people my crazy mom got the cops called on us. We both heard birds chirping and shit, we looked outside, and the sun was coming up. I'm glad I don't have to go to work today.

Fuck, if everything works out the way we want it to, there's going to be a gang of us going up to H-burg tonight, like 8 of us. That'll be fresh. I gotta pick up some Jack. Heh heh. Jon's not gonna like that shit. He hates being around underage motherfuckers when they drink. I understand though, I would be careful too if I was on probation. Damn convicted felons.

Man... I'm going insane. Every day just gets fresher, I'm not used to it jumping so much in freshness. I mean, my life always gets fresher everyday, just by small increments; but these past two weeks things have gotten so much better. I broke it off with Meghan, that was a big step. Although doing it sucked, I feel so much better now that it's done. That relationship was draining my karma. Going up to Goshen Pass and camping has been the shit, I got memories from there that I'll remember for a LONG time. Then Jessica. Insane. My fuckin' head is gonna explode from all these freshness bombs. Life is good. Crazy, but good. I love that shit, I love it when life is chaotic and unpredictable, I thrive in chaos. The day my life is stale and predictable is the day I'm in the grave.

What's up with Rhea's crazy ass? The fuckin' girl practically fucks me when I go camping, then she doesn't want shit to do with me? What is that? Crazy ass woman. How's a virgin going to be gettin' naked and shit and lettin' me play with her poon? Damn virgins. I don't want another virgin EVER. Gimme a girl that's been fucked a couple good times and I'll be one happy pedophile. Matter of fact, gimme a girl that's been fucked a BUNCH of times. They don't have to be taught anything, and most don't mind givin' head. Fresh.

HOLY NEW UPDATE BATMAN!!!!!!

Yeah, I know; it's been a while. Quit bitchin'.

Man, life is in-fuckin'-sane these days, I love it. I finally got up the guts to break it off with Meghan. That sucked major ass. I know how it is to get your heart broken, I felt bad as shit about it, but it had to be done; I just couldn't deal with getting taken for granted anymore. I mean, she's a good girl, but she just has no experience in relationships at all. I guess she figured she had me locked in, so she didn't need to put anymore work into us. Sorry Meg.

Then I turn around and there's Jessica. Wow. Lemme tell yall, she's a young'un, I know... but damn, she kicks ass. You know what's weird? I didn't even think about her in a relationship way until we went camping. (Well, she's hot and all, I thought about her like that, but I had a gf, she had tony, blah blah blah) But she fuckin' kicks ass. I mean, she finds the same shit funny that I find funny. That's fuckin' rare. Usually if I tell a girl I'm going to pull my dick out, I get weird looks/maced/slapped/head/arrested/all of the above, but she fuckin' loves it! (In more ways than one! WHUT?!?!) It's been so long since I've been without a gf, I don't know what to do. I REALLY hope I'm not rebounding, 'cause Jessica rules. Except she smokes. Dammit. Everybody I know fuckin' SMOKES. That's gross shit. Why in the hell would you want to put a burning fire in your mouth anyway? If you want to suck on something, why don't you move up to dicks? THAT'S WHAT YOU PEOPLE REALLY WANT ANYWAY, JUST GET A HOT PENIS TO SUCK ON! AS AN ADDED BONUS, YOU CAN DO IT IN EVERY NON-SMOKING SECTION ON THE PLANET!!!!!!

This Jessica-tony thing is weird. Man, I looked at Jessica's live journal, and he's saying that he's going to get the Juggalos shot, and her shot. He doesn't KNOW anybody, he's talking out of his ass. It's pathetic. I don't know what it is about the internet, but when pathetic, weak-asses get a keyboard under their small, quivering fingertips, all of a sudden they become bad asses. I make it a point to never say anything on here that I wouldn't say in real-life.

If you're an internet bad ass, chances are you're a real-world pussy. Quote me.

Besides, real bad asses don't let stupid small shit mess with their heads like the weak ones do. I feel bad for tony, but the more I hear about him, the more I read what he says, and the more I'm around him; he's looking pretty weak. He just seems like someone who gets pushed around by life, someone who crys in pain as life bumps him left and right, setting him off-course from the straight line he would like to have be his life.

On the other hand, a fresh person (like, say... me? Or the Juggalos?) loves taking life-bumps. They don't hurt, it's just a new direction to go, new experiences to have, new clitori to play with.

Wait, what am I talking about him for? I shouldn't care. Sorry, it's early in the morning. The events of tonight weigh heavily on my mind and I've got so many ideas I want to express, but I'm probably just rambling. Hold on, let me check... yup, I've been rambling. Okay, I'll put some more thoughts in tomorrow. I might even start to update regularly! (Doubtful.)

LATER FOOLS!!!!!

Big Muthafuckin' Dave BIZZNITCHES!!!!

AND I'M OUT LIKE JESSICA'S CLIT VIRGINITY!

(Yup, I said it. Get me shot punk.)

I'm back, but just for a sec. Then, I'm gone again.

Wuttup! You know that book I told you about? I can't stop collecting information about finance now. It's like I'm a fuckin' crack addict. I got about 7 books on the subject the other day from the library, read them all, went back two days later and got about 8 more. No joke, I've only gotten about three hours of sleep every night since the post before this one because I've been collecting information.

I talked to a lawyer the other day about starting a corporation. I can't decide a name. I thought about calling it something serious, or using the name Earthworks which is my mom's old company name, but it's come down to these two names: Juggla corp., and Hard corp. If you see me, give me your thoughts.

I called my stock broker at Merrill Lynch finally. (I had 20 shares of Wal-mart stock bought for me at graduation.) They told me it was still consolidated through my mom and if I wanted it the manager had to talk to her. Which is fuckin' bullshit. The manager wasn't in, and the bitch said when he gets back in an hour he'll call. He never fuckin' called. What am I, a small fry? Is this guy too good to waste his time with some kid who only has 1100 dollars through his company? Fuck "full-service" brokers anyway, they prey on ignorant people who think buying and selling stock is hard. Think about it, I'm getting really fuckin' disrespected by this Merrill Lynch manager fuck. His fuckin' office is in Charlottesville though, dammit. If it was through Edward Jones or something I'd walk down the street and cuss out about three random people in his office for some shit like this.

KICK IT!!!!!!

Fuck working. I'm gonna make some money. No, I'm not going to quit my job, why does everyone immediately tell me not to quit as soon as I say something a little negative about work? I don't understand you people.

I read this fresh-ass book the other night, I couldn't stop reading it. I finally finished it and went to sleep at 4:30 in the morning. It was one of those "change your thinking to make money" kind of books. Yall probably think it's stupid, but that's okay. Maybe it'll work.

I went to the library today and it was weird. I liked it. In the past when I went to the library, it wasn't... a good thing. Usually there was some sort of school project due, or I had to do a report on some book, or some shit like that. When I went there just to look around, I started realizing what a wealth of knowledge is in there. I went to pick up about 2 books and left with 7. A bunch of fresh ones too. There was this one book I saw with the craziest title. It was this big thick book, and I shit you not, the title was

"The Big GAY Book"

It had the word "GAY" in big huge ass letters. I laughed my ass off right there, the teller lady came out from behind the counter to see what the hell was going on. After the initial hilarity, I picked it up to look at it and it was a how-to book for gay men. It told how to come out of the closet, how to deal with your parents, all that gay shit. I had a look at it and got some good information I could really use. WAIT, NO I DIDN'T! Um... ah ha HA! I was just playin' yall! That was a joke!!! Ha ha! Yeah, a joke. Uh... gotta go.

Fuckin' bullshit!!!!

You may remember a few posts ago when I said a 29 year old bitch was hitting on me. She hasn't stopped. I told her that I have a girlfriend, and even though we aren't doing the best, I'm not going to fuckin' cheat on her. She keeps on bugging me! She fuckin' called work and asked me to meet her somewhere so we can talk as friends. I wish some people could take a hint. Naw, fuck that, I wish some people could take me saying to them in their face that it's not going to happen.

Oh yeah, Cryptic Collection 3 kicks ass. Pick that shit up. Normally I don't feel a Twiztid album on every single track, but on this one I do. It's the shit.

Let's see, how about I pull that book out again? You know, that one "If" book.

"If you could have one wish, what would it be?"

That's a tough one. I could wish for a lot. I don't wanna wish for something stale though, like world peace. This place wouldn't be any fun! Maybe I could wish for all of superman's powers. Or the morphing thing!!! I could morph and shit, that would be fresh, right? Hey, I know! I would wish to have any superpower I could think of at any time! Yeah, if I wanted a superpower, it would just be there! And I could turn it off at any time too. Fresh.

"If you could say anything to the current pope, what would it be?"

Fuck all that. I don't consider the pope to be some sort of holy figure, he's just like any other human. That's like pastors and reverends and shit, people all of a sudden straighten up around them, like these people are holier than they are, like they have an inside track with God. Nobody is holier than another, pope or not. Besides, the pope rolls around in that bulletproof popemobile of his; why does he do that? I mean, is he scared that if he gets killed he'll go to heaven or something? You know we're all fucked when the pope is afraid to die.

Anyway, to answer the question, if I could say something to the pope, I would lean down to him, right next to his ear and I would say...

"You smell funny."

There you go. After that, I'd have a fresh story that I could tell for the rest of my life, and then I'd show everybody the rings I stole off his fingers! WOOOOOO!

Funny shit I would do with the ability to morph into anyone or anything.

I would morph into a hot dog, and when someone picked me up to eat me, I'd start cussing them the fuck out. I'd be like,

"Ay! What the fuck do you think you're doing? I oughta get out of this bun and beat you're fuckin' ass all over the trailer park!"

I would be in the middle of having sex with Meghan, then I'd morph into a big, 800-pound, sweaty fuckin' retard! Right in the middle of it!!! I'd be all cross-eyed and drooling and shit! Or I could morph into like, a St. Bernard or a buffalo!

Or I could morph into Rebekah and wait for Jon to get home, and when he does I'll tell him how I've been fucking all of his friends and his dad! That would be funny as shit! Or, I could morph into Jon, go to Rebekah's house and try to have sex with her mom and sister the whole time!!!

I would definitely turn into George W. and have my friends get photos and video of me slapping homeless people, having sex with prostitutes (dirty ones), putting nuns in headlocks, waggling my dick at old people, etc. I'd probably do that with all the political figures I don't like. And don't get me started about what I would do with Dubya's press conferences. I'd walk up to the podium all presidential-style, and I'd go, "My fellow americans... you're all bitches and I had sex with all of your mothers last night. Thank you." Then I'd just walk back in the white house!!! Then I'd change into Rumsfeld, and run outside where all the press would be stunned and shit, and I'd be like, "No, everyone please calm down, the president just isn't feeling like himself today." But I'd be naked.

I'd get on stage at the Gathering, morph into fuckin' Eminem, slap Violent J and take his microphone, and tell all the Juggalos they ain't shit. I'd only do that if I wanted to commit a creative suicide though.

Funny shit I've done.

I remember back when I was in 10th grade english, I wrote a paper called "Making Bombs for Fun and Profit". I got a B on it. Can you imagine if I would have wrote it post-Colombine? They would have arrested me, searched my house, all sorts of crazy shit. Why is everybody so scared all the time? People have got to stop watching the news.

Eat right, run, stay fit, die anyway.

I got up early today to go walking with Meghan and our dog Sugar Bear. She really wants to start doing this normally to help her lose weight. That's great and all, but after we got finished walking we went to Shoney's and fuckin' stuffed ourselves. I'm going now because I've got to take a big shit.

Two items of note happened today.

First, I got hit on by a 29 year old. It was pretty fresh! She wasn't the most beautiful thing in the world, but neither am I. She asked if I had a girlfriend, and I told her about Meghan. She seemed pretty disappointed. I think her name was Terry, but I'm not sure though.

Second, when I locked up the place, I didn't realize I was locking it wrong. See, I locked the doors with the key, but there are these little slidy things that slide into the ground to help brace the door. I had no idea those things were there, until after I had set the alarm. Great. I'm so pissed off about that.

Check this shit out.

Okay, I borrowed this book from Suzy called, "If". It's got a bunch of random ass questions for people to ask each other just to get to know other people, so what I'm gonna do is pick a random one out of this book which is sitting right next to me, and answer it rigt here. Gimme a sec...

"If you could realize a dream that you have had while asleep, what dream would you pick?"

Hmm. That's kinda stale, I don't remember a lot of my dreams.

Okay, I can't remember any, new question...

"If you were given a yacht today, what would you name it?"

Okay, this one is fresh! First, I fuckin' hate yachts, they stink of rich, white superiority, so I'd probably name it,

The S.S. FuckYachtOwners.

I'd paint it in big black letters on the side for everybody to see. Then when me and the boys take it out for it's first voyage, I'd make sure we get REALLY fuckin' trashed and sink that bitch to the bottom. But not before we flipped off some rich people.

What am I gonna do?

Meghan and I have a fucked-up relationship. It was so cool the other night, we got some great communication going. See, what we did was, we made a list of shit we didn't like about each other, then we exchanged lists and talked about everything. How fresh is that? We did it without judging each other, we listened openly, it was very mature. The thing is, since then I don't feel like it's helping our crumbling relationship. I mean, it DID make us both feel better at the time, but we're not implementing everything we talked about. This thing is fucked. I don't know what to do anymore.

Expansion on Football rules...

It would be fun to have all the guys on the team on the field. There's like, 60-some guys on the team altogether, right? Yeah, just put all them fuckers out on the field at once! That would be quite interesting, especially when one of them finds the secret land mine that has been hidden somewhere in the field! Wouldn't it be funny to hear John Madden's commentary when that happened?

"He's at the forty, the thirty, the twen-" BOOOOOM!!!! "FUMBLE!!!!!"

I miss Meghan!

I haven't got to hang around her a lot. That sucks. I should quit my job so I have more time for her.

Just kidding. Speaking of work, I was working the other day and this fat guy comes up to the counter. He sets his beer on the counter, and I ask him for his I.D. He laughs a little and gives it to me, and he's like, fuckin' in his 40's. I say, "Wow, you look young!" and he tells me thank you IN THE GAYEST VOICE I HAVE EVER HEARD. This guy was really, REALLY GAY; and with the way he was smiling, I hope he wasn't thinking I was flirting with him or somehing. EWW! WEIRD FEELING!!!!

New rules for football!

Let 'em fight! These bunch of big scary men are so desparate to prove their manliness, switch to hockey rules! Hell, let them bring weapons, let's get some blood going!

I will expand more on this topic after work, which I am currently running late for.

Dead people are lazy.

If I ever found a dead body somewhere, I would probably touch it. I would call the cops and everything, but before they got there, I would definitely touch it. Maybe slap it. Just to be funny.

Lowering the voting age.

Today I heard that there's a proposal to lower the voting age from 18 to 16.

I think that it's a great idea and I'll tell you why. Kids that are 16 work, they pay taxes, and recently lots of people that age have been charged as adults in cases where violent crimes were concerned. How can you call a 16 year old who does something as horrible as murder another human being an adult, and then call one silly and brainless who wants to do something as responsible as vote? I mean, if they pay taxes, then I believe 16 year olds should have a say in who chooses where to direct the tax money.

What is a Juggalo? I don't know but...

Last night, Jon said it would be cool to have me write what I think a Juggalo is. Jesus, where do I start?

There's so many different ideas, it's hard to type them in this format. Okay, if my writing starts to go all over the place, bear with me.

First, you don't have to listen to Psychopathic records or know who any of the artists are on there, and you don't even have to like them! Because it's not about them, they came up with the term Juggalo, that's their part in this. However, I believe that the Juggalos are drawn to this music and culture because of their spirits and their way of thinking. We connect to Psychopathic because we relate so well to it.

One seemingly common factor among Juggalos is, we've experienced unbelievable ostracization. (We've all been outcasted. Big word, sorry.) We've all been pushed aside, put on the back burner, been told we don't count, over and over and over again. The reasons vary, it could be we're ugly, fat, too skinny, we think differently, we speak our opinions, we don't follow trends, etc., etc. We're not sheep, and that's a real no-no in today's christian-based society, especially in the U.S. (I'm not sure, but I think European ninjas are a little more accepting of different ideas. Wuttup Eurolos!)

Another trait we share is one that I've never seen in other humans. Here's an example...

I got this friend named Crazy Dave. He kicks ass. Nobody wants to hang out with him though because he's half-retarded. And I'm not saying he acts dumb or something, I mean he's actually retarded. People in general don't want to be around him because of that, they might do like, charity work or something to make themselves feel like they're decent human beings, but other than that, people just don't want to be around retards. The Juggalos aren't like that. If you're fresh, we'll kick it with you all day, whether you're retarded, you smell funny, you're ugly, whatever. As long as you're fresh, as long as you're not stale, we love you.

Hold up, now I gotta try to define what a fresh person is and what a stale person is. I can feel that carpal-tunnel settling in as I type this.

Okay, let's do stale first. A stale person cares about their looks and their money. They care about their reputation in whatever community they're in, and they will sacrifice their individuality to impress complete strangers. A stale person follows the herd, no matter how stupid the herd is, without question. A stale person is afraid to speak up for fear of strangers thinking bad things about them. A stale person not only feels it's okay to be stupid, it's funny! A stale person plans for their life to go exactly a certain way. A stale person has no guts.

Now to fresh. A fresh person is someone who feels free to express his or her own opinion, without fear of being outcasted. They know they will be outcasted, they're just not scared of it. Someone who's fresh thinks for themselves, and doesn't form opinions based on what's popular with everyone else. A fresh person doesn't talk down to people that might be seen as "lesser than them" because no one is lower or higher than each other. A fresh person won't talk in stupid baby talk to a kid, and he or she won't treat the president of the U.S. or a rock star like they're God. They'll talk to these people like they were talking to a friend of their's.

Anyway, my point is, the Juggalos love you if you're fresh! So we hang out with fresh people! We hang out with retards, convicted felons, people that are ugly as fuck, scrubs, 700 pound fat guys, because they're fresh! These people don't give a fuck what others think, and that's the shit! You won't catch us hanging out with people who's only concern is winning a popularity contest.


Okay, let me sum up what I've written so far...

A Juggalo is,

1. An outcast, and

2. Loves fresh people.

Those are the only two traits I've seen in ALL Juggalos. There's a ton of stuff that's common, but doesn't exist in all of them. Common Juggalo traits: violent, (if pushed) crazy, loud-talking, gives no fucks, scrubby, and poor. Remember, these aren't all Juggalos traits, but my guess is probably 50% of Juggalos share them.

One more very important thing. You can't really put your finger on what a Juggalo is, you can't define it. You just... feel it. Other Juggalos can see it clear as day, but you never realize it. I call it the Juggalo shine.

The Juggalo shine is that feeling you get when you meet or even look at somebody who is a Juggalo. It's the feeling that this guy/girl could do anything. When I say anything, I don't mean that "You could do anything if you put your mind to it!" anything, I mean the "If I fuck with this person, who knows what he/she is capable of?" kind of thing. It's normally a negative thing for people, because they don't understand the Juggalo shine, and people fear what they don't understand. The Juggalo shine is all that potential, all that energy, all the power and resiliency that is packed in that persons' soul. It's like the power of a nuclear explosion, pushing at the walls of one's flesh. Yes, that energy COULD be released in a negative manner if pushed to do so, look at Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold, the kids who performed the Colombine massacre. They had a bunch of home movies they made of themselves and when I saw them, their shine came through the tv and grabbed me. It grabbed everybody else too, I'm sure. People see that and they fear it, never realizing that it is also a good thing. The Juggalos can handle situations that others would commit suicide in, they can do things that others fear because it might hurt them. A normal person takes a dive in the stock market and loses their ass, they jump out a window. A lover leaves somebody for another person, the person who got hurt drinks Drano. Kurt Cobain had millions of adoring fans, millions of dollars and a phat-ass house but he couldn't take ALL THAT PRESSURE, so he blew himself away! These are situations that roll off of a Juggalo's back, because his/her soul has been tempered by fire, and used to that sort of thing. Look at all the Juggalos on the Backyard Wrestling series! They're not afraid of pain, because they know it's only temporary. People see all that strength inside as clear as day, and it scares them.

I told you I would ramble. Anyway, We're outcasts, we love scrubs, and we have that shine that you just can't quite put a finger on.

Oh yeah, if you can finish what I started writing in the title, you're an honarary Juggalo. Click on the thing below this that says how many comments there are, and leave a comment finishing the title and whatever else you wanna add.

LATER, BITCH!